


Batfamily Group Chats

by orphan_account



Category: DCU (Comics)
Genre: Asexuality, Crack, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Light Angst, No Plot/Plotless, Polyamory, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-19
Updated: 2017-07-13
Packaged: 2018-08-15 21:49:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8073958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Timbuktu: wow boring af who wants to talk about dicks butt tho
  JaceVentura: im down for whatever  StephieWonder: ye thats the best topic  HarpoonGun: ew Timbuktu: guys like he makes the crops grow dat ass is amaze  JaceVentura: literally tim watch your thirst  Timbuktu: like i cant kill me now dehydration take me  HarpoonGun: literally chillStephieWonder: i was gonna talk about this ironically but it got too real





	1. Y'all suck

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ConjurerofWords](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConjurerofWords/gifts).



> I wrote this completely on a whim. Also, happy late Batman Day!!! Gifting this to my bestie Harley cause shes great tbh.

 

**Group Chat >>Y’all suck**

 

**Stephie-Wefie-Poo-Poo >>MexicanTimale, ZombieBoy, cASSandra, RichieBitchie, BarbieBitch, DemonChild, HarpieCrow**

  
  


**Stephie-Wefie-Poo-Poo:** AYYYYYYYYYE

 

**MexicanTimale:** What’s good Miley????

 

**cASSandra:** I hate this.

 

**RichieBitchie:** Y

 

**cASSandra:** These chats always blow up my phone.

 

**RichieBitchie:** O well u should just deal with it.

 

**MexicanTimale:** Guys Jason has been in the shower for like twenty minutes.

 

**Stephie-Wefie-Poo-Poo:** how do you know this info ;)

 

**MexicanTimale:** I slept on his couch last night. 

 

**MexicanTimale:** I was to tired after patrol to head back to the Manor.

 

**Stephie-Wefie-Poo-Poo:** lazy shit

 

**MexicanTimale:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

**BarbieBitch has left the group.**

 

**MexicanTimale has added BarbieBitch to the group.**

 

**BarbieBitch:** Nooooooo!!

 

**BarbieBitch has left the group.**

**  
****  
** **MexicanTimale has added BarbieBitch to the group.**

 

**BarbieBitch:** Why can’t you guys just let me live my life?

 

**RichieBitchie:** Because we obvi hate u

 

**BarbieBitch:** Why do you type like a 13 year old? You’re 25, type like it.

 

**MexicanTimale:** XDDDDDD

 

**RichieBitchie:** i type how i want mom

 

 **BarbieBitch:** how about you never call me that.

  
**DemonChild** : Who’s idea was it to make this? 

 

**cASSandra:** pretty sure it was Stephanie's

 

**Stephie-Wefie-Poo-Poo:** actually it was tim. he put me up to it

 

**MexicanTimale:** SNITCHES GET STITCHES!!!

 

**DemonChild has left the group.**

 

**cASSandra has left the group.**

 

**Stephie-Wefie-Poo-Poo:** ive had stitches before

 

**MexicanTimale:** whatever, im hungry

 

**HarpieCrow:** literally no one cares AT ALL

 

**Stephie-Wefie-Poo-Poo:** HARPER YOOOO hows cullen

 

**HarpieCrow:** good. he’s still obsessed with tim

 

 **MexicanTimale:** stop im blushing stop

 

**HarpieCrow:** awww timmy

 

**Stephie-Wefie-Poo-Poo:** ALRIGHT IM DONE WITH THIS BULL SHART IM BLOWING TIMS COVER

 

**MexicanTimale:** hoe don’t do it

 

**Stephie-Wefie-Poo-Poo:** TIM THINKS CULLEN IS CUTE

 

**MexicanTimale:** oh my god

 

**MexicanTimale has left the group.**

 

**Stephie-Wefie-Poo-Poo has added MexicanTimale to the group.**

 

**MexicanTimale:** its official im kms

 

**HarpieCrow:** AWWWWW TIMMY I CAN HOOK YOU UP WE CAN BE IN-LAWS

 

**MexicanTimale:** dont you dare tell him

 

**RichieBitchie:** HARPER TELL HIM

 

**HarpieCrow:** i will mwhahhahahhaha

 

**MexicanTimale:** nooo

 

**HarpieCrow:** ill do one better

 

**HarpieCrow has added TheCullenator to the group.**

 

**MexicanTimale:** i hate you

 

**HarpieCrow:** >:)

 

**TheCullenator:** what is this

 

**BarbieBitch:** Welcome to hell.

 

**ZombieBoy:** Alright i did not sign up for this shit

 

**Stephie-Wefie-Poo-Poo:** >:)

 

**ZombieBoy:** Guys seriously tim legit is hiding under blankets in embarrassment

 

**TheCullenator:** whats going on

 

**Stephie-Wefie-Poo-Poo:** cullen tim thinks youre cute

 

**TheCullenator:** wat

 

**HarpieCrow:** im forcing you two to date

 

**MexicanTimale:** ;(

 

**HarpieCrow:** alright so cullen is literally pacing in his room oh my god

 

**RichieBitchie:** mY HEART OMG

 

**BarbieBitch has removed RichieBitchie from the group.**

 

**BarbieBitch has left the group.**

 

**Stephie-Wefie-Poo-Poo:** alrighty then

 

**ZombieBoy:** dick wants me to add him back should i?

 

**HarpieRow:** no let him suffer

 

**ZombieBoy:** k

 

**MexicanTimale:** im gonna go die in a hole now bye

 

**Stephie-Wefie-Poo-Poo:** k bye!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out [my tumblr!](http://spacewitcch.tumblr.com)


	2. i'm rick harrison and this is my pawn shop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Timbuktu: wow boring af who wants to talk about dicks butt tho
> 
> JaceVentura: im down for whatever
> 
> StephieWonder: ye thats the best topic
> 
> HarpoonGun: ew
> 
> Timbuktu: guys like he makes the crops grow dat ass is amaze
> 
> JaceVentura: literally tim watch your thirst
> 
> Timbuktu: like i cant kill me now dehydration take me
> 
> HarpoonGun: literally chill
> 
> StephieWonder: i was gonna talk about this ironically but it got too real

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More chapters yay. I feel so productive. They're really easy to write so expect quick updates.

**Group Chat >>i’m rick harrison and this is my pawn shop**

**JaceVentura >>HarpoonGun,Timbuktu, StephieWonder, Barbarina, DicksOut4Harambe, SatansFailedAbortion**

 

**JaceVentura:** guys i just found out that Tims name means honored by god lol so far from the truth

 

**Timbuktu:** youre name literally means healer yet you died

 

**StephieWonder:** wow nerds that are savage wowie

 

**Timbuktu:** Babs name literally means barbarian omfg

 

**HarpoonGun:** XDDDDD

 

**Timbuktu changed Baberina’s name to Barbarian**

 

**StephieWonder:** Omfg tim youre dead she gonna kill you later

 

**JaceVentura:** dude is she still doing that coding thing in the cave

 

**Timbuktu:** ye shes adding her tweaks to my firewall

 

**HarpoonGun:** thats boring what about dick

 

**StephieWonder:** i think hes doing somekind of thingie idk

 

**JaceVentura:** hes literally doing his job did you guys forget hes an actual cop

 

**StephieWonder:** oh

 

**Timbuktu:** wow boring af who wants to talk about dicks butt tho

 

**JaceVentura:** im down for whatever

 

**StephieWonder:** ye thats the best topic

 

**HarpoonGun:** ew

 

**Timbuktu:** guys like he makes the crops grow dat ass is amaze

 

**JaceVentura:** literally tim watch your thirst

 

**Timbuktu:** like i cant kill me now dehydration take me

 

**HarpoonGun:** literally chill

 

**StephieWonder:** i was gonna talk about this ironically but it got too real

 

**JaceVentura:** tim hes literally your brother and also like hes 8 years older than you 

 

**Timbuktu:** actually closer to 7 but whatever. And its not lik i have a cruh on him i just appreciate dat ass

 

**SatansFailedAbortion:** first of all who dared to change my name and second of all this is immature and disgusting

 

**SatansFailedAbotion changed his name to** **داميان**

 

**Timbuktu changed** **داميان’s name to Fuck-Boi-In-Training**

 

**Fuck-Boi-In-Training left the group.**

 

**StephieWonder:** wow

 

**HarpoonGun:** you guys cant even talk to each other for literally five minutes

 

**Timbuktu:** not my fault hes a brat

 

**JaceVentura:** this literally always happens im so glad im in Singapore rn

 

**HarpoonGun:** the fuck are you in singapore for 

 

**JaceVentura:** mercenary work tbh also roy says hi

 

**Timbuktu:** hanging out with the bf

 

**JaceVentura:** and our gf. speaking of what we’re talking about… tim how was the date with cullen

 

**StephieWonder:** tell me ALL the details

 

**Timbuktu:** ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

**HarpoonGun:** i know all the deets

 

**JaceVentura:** spill the tea

 

**StephieWonder:** jay youve been watching too much drag race

 

**JaceVentura:** my goal is to get B to start watching it

 

**Barbarian:** he literally already does

 

**StephieWonder:** babs!!!!

 

**Barbarian:** yo

 

**Timbuktu:** help shes beating me

 

**Barbarian:** thats what you get when you name change me

 

**StephieWonder:** anywaysss back to meddling in tims love life

 

**Timbuktu:** omg pls no

 

**HarpoonGun:** >:)

 

**Barbarian:** im done with this i have shit to do bye

 

**Barbarian has left the group.**

 

**JaceVentura:** so timmy how was the date? 

 

**Timbuktu:** ugh it was fine we went to the movies and then to Starbucks

 

**StephieWonder:** wow went all out did you

 

**Timbuktu:** i hate fancy dates their too much maintenance

 

**HarpoonGun:** you forgot to tell them about the part were you kissed cullen on our stoop

 

**Timbuktu has left the group.**

  
**StephieWonder:** well then

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> داميان means Damian (all lower case) in Arabic. I may insert Damian using chinese later, idk yet.
> 
> Check out [my tumblr!](http://palpatinne.tumblr.com)  
> (def send me a prompt for a future chapter of this work by the way)


	3. HELP

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ImYellingTimber: ugh this is too real like i wanted to just drink my doubleshot iced coffee in peace but. Like now im getting embaressed._
> 
> _EdwardCullen has left the group._
> 
> _GreekHarpy: okay so cullen might be a little upset_
> 
> _DoneDarnDied: oh fuck. i was on the toliet. whats going on_
> 
> _ImYellingTimber: i’m sorry i didnt meant to im so sorry im sorry_
> 
> _Stephora: tim. Chill._
> 
> _DoneDarnDied: timmy you need to calm down._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annnnd welcome to the angsty chapter. Honestly I couldn't even help myself. Its very light angst so don't worry.

**Group Chat >>HELP**

**Timberlake >>Stephora, GreekHarpy, DoneDarnDied, EdwardCullen**

 

**Timberlake:** guys help i saw steph’s ho-ho

 

**Stephora:** literally chill

 

**DoneDarnDied:** tim why is that such a big deal

 

**TImberlake:** cause its steph i can now never look at her the same way again

 

**Stephora changed Timberlake’s name to MelodramaticLittleBitch**

 

**DoneDarnDied changed MelodramaticLittleBitch’s name to ImYellingTimber**

 

**ImYellingTimber:** guys help

 

**DoneDarnDied:** you literally have seen all of us naked

 

**Stephora:** yeah like i dont understand

 

**ImYellingTimber:** i know but still thats gross like did not want to see that

 

**Stephora:** tim its not like it matters. you have no sex drive

 

**GreekHarpy:** ??? why does tim have no sex drive is he THAT much of a virgin

 

**DoneDarnDied:** nah fam tim’s asexual

 

**GreekHarpy:** wait. But he was talking about dicks butt. And hes literally dating my brother

 

**DoneDarnDied:** well the butt thing is a running gag. And tim likes dating he just dont do the sexy times

 

**EdwardCullen:** wait. What?

 

**GreekHarpy:** so tims asexual…. But he still dates people? Im confused

 

**ImYellingTimber:** wow shit got real while i was buying starbucks. Okay so. like i really enjoy being in a relationship. But like sex and stuff just. It makes me really uncomfortable. like ill do it if someone wants but. It just makes me feel really REALLY uncomfortable. I dont really enjoy it at all

 

**Stephora:** boy what have i told you. If you dont want to do it then dont do it just because someone asks you to.

 

**ImYellingTimber:** ugh this is too real like i wanted to just drink my doubleshot iced coffee in peace but. Like now im getting embaressed. 

 

**EdwardCullen has left the group.**

 

**GreekHarpy:** okay so cullen might be a little upset

 

**DoneDarnDied:** oh fuck. i was on the toliet. whats going on

 

**ImYellingTimber:** i’m sorry i didnt meant to im so sorry im sorry

 

**Stephora:** tim. Chill.

 

**DoneDarnDied:** timmy you need to calm down.

 

**GreekHarpy:** I’ll talk to cullen. Brb

 

**ImYellingTimber:** i didnt mean to im sorry like im sorry please tell him im sorry i didnt meant to

 

**Stephora:** Tim come to my house okay? Dont do something dumb

 

**ImYellingTimber:** okay

 

**Stephora:** okay so tims here now and hes progressed from nervousness to full on anxiety attack 

 

**DoneDarnDied:** shit this is not a good time to be in Indonesia.

 

**GreekHarpy:** okay so i talked to Cullen and hes not too mad hes just upset he said that tim didn’t tell them before they dated. Like hes being a fucktard cause he said that he doesnt know if he wants to be in a relationship that isnt sexual. Wow this went for 0 to 100 real quick.

 

**GreekHarpy:** sorry unintentional joke not the time 

 

**DoneDarnDied:** i feel useless af

 

**Stephora:** okay so tims fine now i guess but hes kinda just staring at a wall under my quilts.

 

**DoneDarnDied:** okay so i know you guys are like best friends but i get the feeling that youve never dealt with the panic attacks before?

 

**Stephora:** i mean yeah Dick usually deals with it but hes in San Diego rn

 

**DoneDarnDied:** okay so dont let him just sit there that means he just internalizing it. Make him do something. Like idk. Force him to make a grilled cheese. He loves grilled cheese.

 

**Stephora: okay sooo.** Hes making a grilled cheese and everytime he starts staring off into space i touch him

 

**DoneDarnDied:** okay just give him some time. Make him eat.

 

**GreekHarpy:** okay so i made cullen text tim.

 

**Stephora:** well rn hes eating grilled cheese. Hes better he finally rambling about how much he ‘messed up’. Idiot.

 

**DoneDarnDied:** i feel very worried. 

 

**GreekHarpy:** alright this was too much for me and i just called in so i gotta go to work.

 

**Stephora:** alright bye im forcing tim to say at my place i’ll make him text cullen later

 

**GreekHarpy:** bye guys

 

**DneDarnDied:** bye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I see a lot of myself in Tim, that is why he has a very fragile sense of self-worth and self-esteem which can be broken fairly easily. He often thinks he is the one who messed up in situations that he had little to no involvement in.
> 
> Check out [my tumblr!](http://palpatinne.tumblr.com)


	4. SPOOPPPPPPPY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _MIT: anyways what are you guys gonna be for halloween????_
> 
> _Stephanopoulos: im goings as siracha and tim is tabasco btw._
> 
> _cASSandra: im going as some character named Daria. Steph says im just like her_
> 
> _JaynetJackson: STEPH OMG thats perfect for her_
> 
> _MIT: uncanny really_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, I've been uber-busy. Anyways, this chapter is for the  
> [fichelp](http://fichelp.tumblr.com/) fall event! The prompt was group chats (how original.)
> 
> (tbh I was too lazy to write a whole new work so I just decided to update this.)

**Group Chat >> SPOOPPPPPPPPY**

**Stephanopoulos >>MIT, JaynetJackson, cASSandra, Smol**

 

 **MIT: IT** IS TIME

 

 **Stephanopoulos:** halloweeeeeeeeeeen

 

 **JaynetJackson:** im coming back for halloween dont worry. But im not going to the manor

 

 **MIT:** yay jayyyy

 

 **Smol:** i hate all of you

 

 **cASSandra:** that is a lie

 

 **MIT:** awww he loves us

 

 **Smol:** NEVER!

 

**Smol has left the group.**

 

 **Stephanopoulos:** wowie

 

 **MIT:** anyways what are you guys gonna be for halloween????

 

 **Stephanopoulos:** im goings as siracha and tim is tabasco btw.

 

 **cASSandra:** im going as some character named Daria. Steph says im just like her

 

 **JaynetJackson:** STEPH OMG thats perfect for her

 

 **MIT:** uncanny really

 

 **Stephanopoulos:** ikr!

 

 **MIT:** wat u goin as jay

 

 **JaynetJackson:** im napoleon dynamite, kory is deb, and roy is pedro

 

 **MIT:** OMFG YAS

 

 **Stephanopoulos:** guys dick is going as hades, babs as persophone and theyre borrowing titus as cerebus.

 

 **JaynetJackson:** how are they getting titus? Wont dami be mad

 

 **Stephanopoulos:** first of all that child is always mad, second of all Bruce and Dami and Selina are patrolling cause He Who Shall Not Be Named.

 

 **JaynetJackson:** I forgot about him. He always fucks up halloween. Why does gotham even try halloween anymore?

 

 **MIT:** i dont know. Im really hoping he just doesn't do anything this year

 

 **cASSandra:** he does it every year.

 

 **JaynetJackson:** well im not gonna help this year if shit goes down

 

 **MIT:** bruce said that hes giving us this year off on halloween. thats the only reason were actually able to dress up this year.

 

 **JaynetJackson:** never knew he had a heart. why isnt he letting dami off?

 

 **Stephanopoulos:** he tried but dami insisted

 

 **cASSandra:** im staying on call just in case bruce needs help. So are Dick and Barbara

 

 **MIT:** ugh we know

 

 **Stephanopoulos:** ;((((((((((((

 

 **JaynetJackson:** anyways where do you guys wanna go? Know any good parties?

 

 **MIT:** tam said there is a cool costume party somewhere in the Diamond District.i was only half listening tbh.

 

 **Stephanopoulos:** i guess?

 

 **JaynetJackson:** im down if i can get wasted

 

 **cASSandra:** sure.

 

 **MIT:** i’ll ask Tam for the details. (also ill bring the good tequila)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out [my tumblr!](http://palpatinne.tumblr.com)
> 
> If you want me to update, just message me and tell me to hurry, as I'm lazy and need encouragement


	5. i hate this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kori gives good advice, Roy and Jason are kinda horny, and Steph and Harper peer pressure Tim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayyy sorry about the wait. Ive been absolutely swamped. But i should be able to write more frequently.
> 
> (If you're a fan of voltron I have a klance + side shallura fic coming soon)
> 
> Anyways, enjoy!

Group Chat>>i hate it  
slimtim>>PurplePeopleEater, jasonclodd, roygbiv, KoriInTheHouse, harpsnarp,

slimtim: lonelyyyyy, I am so lonelyyyyyyy

jasonclodd: ha! Loser.

PurplePeopleEater: dude who cares anyways like be single and proud. Don't feel bad just because nowadays relationships are glorified and people set unrealistic relationship expectations. Be yo self

roygbiv: jason where's my hat

roygbiv: also really deep steph whoah

KoriInTheHouse: Hello

jasonclodd: ayyy kory whats good

KoriInTheHouse: What house am I supposed to be in?

jasonclodd: its a show.

KoriInTheHouse: Alright. What’s this about Tim being sad.

slimtim: my bf brokeup with me and i am very lonely. Idk what to do.

KoriInTheHouse: Why are you sad? Relationships shouldn’t make you sad.

slimtim: ifk i just miss him. I feel like half of me is gone.

KoriInTheHouse: That’s a pointless feeling. No one should make you feel like that. You don’t need anything beyond yourself to validate your existence. You should not define yourself on the men you have known.

slimtim: whoah. Deep.

harpsnarp: sup cunts.

roygbiv: these constant notifications re so annoying. I gtg im super busy.

jasonclodd: literally all your doing is trying to build a death ray. Stop trying to be Tesla.

roygbiv: YOU LEAVE NIKOLA TESLA’S NAME OUT IF THIS ASSHAT!

jasonclodd: Fuck you!

roygbiv: Please Do! COME TO MY ROOM!

roygbiv has left the group

harpsnarp: the fuck is going on in the Red, Redder, and Reddest house?

KoriInTheHouse: I must leave this conversation. I am at the florist’s.

KoriInTheHouse has left the group.

slimtim: why must they all leave.

PurplePeopleEater: what happened. Sorry i was taking a shit.

slimtim: how quaint

harpsnarp: Roy and Kory(?) left and jason is still here but i assume he's preoccupied.

slimtim: HE AND ROY ARE BUTT FUCKING!!!

PurplePeopleEater: awesome!

harpsnarp: so now that theyre gone lets talk about the tim/cullen drama.

slimtim: oh no

PurplePeopleEater: oh yes

harpsnarp: so wtf happened. Ive been waiting for explanations but i have received nada.

slimtim: idk im not the one at fault here ask cullen

PurplePeopleEater: but you kinda are? you refuse to talk to him about it?

harpsnarp: i really want my otp to be together again!

slimtim: -.-

PurplePeopleEater: just text him. or ill come over and slap you with a grilled cheese.

slimtim: how dare you threaten me with my favorite sandwich

harpsnarp: just text him

PurplePeopleEater: do it!!!!

slimtim: fine….

PurplePeopleEater: YAY!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out [my tumblr!](http://spacewitcch.tumblr.com)


	6. The Popes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Timbo: we ex-communicated each other faster than the pope excommunicated Henry the viii
> 
> Cullen: i missed your nerd jokes
> 
> Timbo: i missed you

~~~~Timbo >>Cullen

Timbo: hey

Cullen: hi

Timbo: um so

Cullen: …

Timbo: so uh why did you break up  
With me?

Cullen: i just don’t know if I can focus on a relationship with just emotions and no physical intimacy. Im sorry

Timbo: look. Like. I really want you back but. I am done trying to change myself for people. I’ve done that so much. I can’t anymore. I’m okay with having an open relationship if that’s what you need okay? But please don’t leave me just because I don’t need sex. I’m not sex repulsedor anything but I really am tired of having to do things for people instead of myself okay? When i’m with you i feel alive and i really really enjoy that. I don’t want to lose you. Just at least meet up with me so we can talk in person about this.

Cullen: okay. I’m sorry for like. Just cutting all contact for a month. I’m just so stressed about this. I want to make this work. I really like you Tim.

Timbo: listen. We both of guilty of pulling a pope.

Cullen: ?

Timbo: we ex-communicated each other faster than the pope excommunicated Henry the viii

Cullen: i missed your nerd jokes

Timbo: i missed you. Starbucks on thursday? Around 4:30?

Cullen: meet you there


	7. pizza?

**TimmyTurntHer >>BarbWire, omgItsJasonBourne, PhaniePack, WannaEa**tYoDick

 **TimmyTurntHer** : what pizza should i get

 **PhaniePack** : its 3am why must you order pizza now

TimmyTurntHer: im hungry idk

BarbWire: get olive tim you know yo love it

PhaniePack changed TimmyTurntHer’s name to TiMO

BarbWire: i dont get it

TiMO: there’s this movie called gbf where this chick calls gays mo short for homo. Its on netflix its a really great movie very funny.

PhaniePack: ye its good jason loves it

omgItsJasonBourne: yeah i do

BarbWire: that’s an elaborate joke but with you three i’m not surprised tbh

omgItsJasonBourne: anywayyys i would like to talk about Tim’s love life

TiM: how about no????

PhaniePack: how about yes???????

TiMO: why do you all do this to me??

PhaniePack: we like to make you suffer

TiMO: what have i ever done to you??

omgItsJasonBourne: LORD WHERE DO I START

TiMO: okay binch you can’t talk since you literally tried to KILL ME. ON MULTIPE OCCASIONS!

omgItsJasonBourne: eh true….

PhaniePack: i have a list

TiMO: of?

PhaniePack: the things you have done!!!!

BarbWire: we’ve all done some shitty things. TECHNICALLY we’re all criminals

TiMO: ANYWAYS YOU HEATHENS what pizza should I get

BarbWire: black olives you dumb fuck didnt you hear me

TiMO: oh uh no

omgItsJasonBourne: ew tim dont be so gross. Get olives AND pepperoni

PhaniePack: are you talking about nasty ass pizza toppings to provoke me?

omgItsJasonBourne: yes. yes i am.

PhaniePack: Fuck.

PhaniePack You.

omgItsJasonBourne: come at me binch

WannaEatYoDick: woah what is my name?

TiMO: HUMP ME

PhaniePack: FUCK ME

omgItsJasonBourne: DADDY BETTER MAKE ME CHOKE

WannaEatYoDick: woah what??? calm down kiddos

TiMO: LICK LICK LICK LICK

PhaniePack: I WANNA EAT YO DICK

omgItsJasonBourne: BUT I CANT FUCK UP MY NAILS

PhaniePack: SO IMMA PICK IT UP WITH CHOPSTICKS

WannaEatYoDick changed their name to Richard

Richard: there

omgItsJasonBourne: fuck this pussy

TiMO: fuck this pussy

PhaniePack: fuck this pussy

BarbWire: come fuck this pussy

TiMO: wowza barbs you joined in You finally coming down off your pedastal?

BarbWire: what can i say its a good song?

Richard: you all need jesus

TiMO: i’ll stick with satan

PhaniePack: im fine with satan thanks

PhaniePack: damn it tim you stole my joke

TiMO: ;)

PhaniePack: wow go choke

TiMO: choke me daddy

PhaniePack: woah chill you little pervert

BarbWire: you hear that jason timmers needs your assistance

omgItsJasonBourne: i’m on my way timbo dont worry

TiMO: good!

Richard; i’m uncomfortable

TiMO: good!

TiMO removed Richard from the group


	8. bigfoot sucked my ass behind an arbys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's an update after a while that has zero plot

**Group Chat >>fuck my pussy with a rake**

**UndeadHoe >>SpleenlessHoe, FakeDeadHoe, BarbDeservedBetter, FreeRickGrayson**

 

**UndeadHoe:** guys bigfoot is real he sucked my ass behind an arbys

 

**SpleenlessHoe:** ARBYS IS SO GROSS but fitting that you like it since you are the gross brother

 

**FakeDeadHoe:** OOOH BURN

 

**UndeadHoe removed SpleenlessHoe from the group.**

 

**FakeDeadHoe added SpleenlessHoe to the group.**

 

**SpleenlessHoe:** For that Jason Peter Todd I shall share an embarassing story

 

**UndeadHoe:** hoe don’t do it

 

**FakeDeadHoe:** He’s typing up a storm look at those three dots go

 

**SpleenlessHoe:** ‘This is Vicki Vale reporting live from the Applebees in Gotham Heights. Reports state that formerly dead ward of multi-billionaire Bruce Wayne performed oral sex on a stranger for, quote unquote, “seven dollars and a ride home.” Some reports say that this stranger went to high school with Todd before his death and ressurection but these reports are still unconfirmed. This is Vicki Vale, signing off.’

 

**FakeDeadHoe:** OH MY FUCKING GOD

 

**UndeadHoe:** oh my god

 

**UndeadHoe:** betrayal by my favorite brother

 

**SpleenlessHoe:** ;)

 

**FreeRickGrayson:** im not your fave? :(

 

**BarbDeservedBetter:** why do I even bother opening my phone when its always Tim and Jason being heathens

 

**FakeDeadHoe:** i’ve never done anything wrong YEET

 

**UndeadHoe:** LOOK AT YOUR NAME

 

**SpleenlessHoe:** pfffffttt

 

**FakeDeadHoe:** whoOPS

 

**FreeRickGrayson:** Betrayal at the House on the Hill gtg

 

**FakeDeadHoe:** thanks for the vintage movie reference gramps

 

**SpleenlessHoe:** i hate this fam

 

**UndeadHoe:** Timothy Drake did you just say fam

 

**SpleenlessHoe:** I SNEEZED AND PRESSED ENTER

 

**FakeDeadHoe:** a likely story

 

**FakeDeadHoe:** LOCK HER UP

 

**SpleenlessHoe:** am i a woman now?

 

**SpleenlessHoe:** a drag queen? Whats my drag name?

 

**UndeadHoe:** whiney houston

 

**FakeDeadHoe:** pizza shit (piece of shit)

 

**BarbDeservedBetter:** BrownEye Recluse

 

**SpleenlessHoe:** ok WOW

 

**SpleenlessHoe:** also wow barbara thats actually fucking hilarious who knew you could be funny

 

**UndeadHoe:** props barbie

 

**FakeDeadHoe:** i snorted so hard

 

**SpleenlessHoe:** IT WAS SO LOUD YOU PIG 

 

**FakeDeadHoe:** IKR YOU COW

 

**UndeadHoe:** are you guys literally with each other thats so fucking stupid

 

**BarbDeservedBetter:** hypocrisey is a sin

 

**SpleenlessHoe:** “fucking stupid” bitch thats you

 

**UndeadHoe:** my new twitter bio 

 

**FakeDeadHoe:** i think mine is still “local woman finna death”

 

**SpleenlessHoe:** mine is still ‘lost all the fucks i gave along with my spleen’

  
**BarbDeservedBetter:** you’re all idiots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> throws in angsty comic references as jokes
> 
> bleh haven't updated this bc i have no clue where to take it anymore. any ideas?

**Author's Note:**

> I won't be updating this anymore, as I have moved on to other things. This was mainly plotless crack in the first place, so I'm pretty sure I'm not majorly disappointing anyone by ending this work.
> 
> Check out [my tumblr!](http://spacewitcch.tumblr.com)


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